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Growing Up at Any Age
- Karen Storsteen, MS, MA
- 14 hours ago
- 6 min read
How stalled development shapes our relationships, workplaces, and society.
The world today feels fragmented — politically, socially, and economically. Many people are polarized, reactive, and projecting their inner conflicts outward. In uncertain times, we long for stability, maturity, and clarity.
One antidote to this collective immaturity is a concept called individuation — the lifelong process of becoming your authentic self. Imagine what could shift if, as a society, we moved from collective immaturity to collective individuation and even self-actualization.
What is Individuation?
Individuation is about growing into yourself. As children, we depend on others for survival. As teenagers, we test independence. As adults, the invitation is to balance autonomy with intimacy, accountability with freedom.
When individuation is healthy, we can:
Stand on our own without fear.
Love without losing ourselves.
Take responsibility for our choices.
Live with authenticity and purpose.
When individuation is disrupted, we may look like adults on the outside but still operate emotionally like children on the inside.
Signs of Stalled Individuation
When people don’t fully individuate, they may find themselves:
Having difficulty with decision-making, follow-through, and dependability — their inner world feels wobbly and unstable.
Reacting with heightened emotion — small frustrations or disappointments feel overwhelming, and emotional regulation and impulse control are thwarted.
Pushing away those they love or need, then anxiously pulling them back — caught between craving closeness and fearing it.
Seeking constant approval and validation, yet resenting the feeling of being controlled or tied down — a tug-of-war between wanting to be seen and wanting to be free.
People-pleasing — bending to others’ needs to feel safe or accepted, even at the expense of self and authenticity.
Many of us recognize at least some of these patterns in ourselves. They are part of the human journey. But when they persist unchecked, they keep us from building solid relationships, following through on commitments, or living in alignment with who we truly are.
Attachment Styles in Brief
You can think of these stalled patterns in terms of attachment:
Avoidant attachment keeps others at arm’s length, looking self-sufficient but struggling with closeness.
Anxious attachment clings tightly, fearing abandonment and overanalyzing every word or silence.
Both are rooted in early experiences with caregivers — and both represent incomplete individuation.
At the most extreme, stalled individuation shows up as Cluster B personality styles and disorders — narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, and antisocial. These styles usually begin with insecure early bonds, often leaving the person both craving and fearing closeness. Without a solid inner core, they seek constant “feeding” from outside themselves (whether positive or negative attention), because nothing inside feels steady or whole.
The Middle Path: Healthy Interdependence
The goal of individuation isn’t total independence. It’s moving through stages of:
Dependence — as children, relying on others for safety and survival.
Independence — as teens and young adults, separating to discover our own identity.
Interdependence — the mature stage, where we can be fully ourselves and deeply connected.
In the last stage, intimacy no longer feels like control, and independence no longer feels like abandonment. Interdependence is the ability to say: “I am whole, and so are you. Together, we can be even more.”
When these early phases are disrupted, individuals can have a secret yearning to repeat them — for example, being taken care of as an adult if early caregivers were emotionally or physically absent, or fighting for independence and control when a caregiver was enmeshed.
A Mirror, a Buzz, and a Fairy Tale
While I was working on this article, I was interrupted by the sudden and unexpected psychic buzz I hear when it’s my signal from the divine to stop and listen. I heard words from a song that I couldn’t place until an image appeared in my mind’s eye of Snow White and the Wicked Queen.
In the Disney tale, the Queen embodies the narcissistic, fragmented self. She seeks her worth from the Mirror — a truth-teller she misuses to compare and compete. Her envy drives her to destroy what she cannot become, and in her attempts, she destroys herself. This is the essence of the disordered self: hollow, insecure, and fueled by external validation. The fragmented self inevitably ends tragically: instead of growing, it collapses under the weight of its own envy and emptiness.
Snow White, by contrast, represents innocence, authenticity, and wholeness. She radiates kindness and purity of spirit, which naturally draws others (the Dwarfs, her Prince) to her.
The poisoned apple is the seduction of illusion — the danger of being lured into false promises of worth or beauty.
And the Prince? On the surface, it looks like he rescues her. But archetypically, he symbolizes the union of masculine and feminine energies within the self — the inner marriage that individuation brings. The awakening kiss is not about dependency; it is the moment of integration.
Through this lens, Snow White is not just a fairy tale. It’s a story about what happens when we live from the fragmented self versus the whole self — and how individuation is the path that leads us “home.”
Dorothy’s Journey to Herself
Another timeless story of individuation comes from The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy is swept away into chaos, believing she needs the Wizard to save her. Along the way, she leans on companions who each embody qualities she must integrate — courage, heart, and wisdom.
In the end, she discovers that the power was always within her. Individuation is just that: realizing that no outside force — not approval, not control, not even a rescuer — can give us what only we can claim for ourselves. The journey to wholeness is our sacred superpower.
Individuation and Attraction
One of the gifts of individuation is how it reshapes our relationships. When we’re fragmented and unfinished, we can attract relationships that mirror those unhealed places. That’s why many people find themselves with partners who are controlling, avoidant, or emotionally unavailable.
But as we individuate, something shifts:
We stop chasing what we lacked, because we’ve found it within ourselves.
We no longer resonate with immaturity or emotional games.
We naturally draw in like-minded people who are authentic and whole.
Love becomes additive, not compensatory. Instead of filling a void, it enriches what is already whole.
This is the deeper meaning of individuation: not just inner work for its own sake, but a process that changes who and what we magnetize into our lives.
Beyond Individuation: Self-Actualization
Individuation is the foundation. But the higher invitation is self-actualization — the process of realizing our fullest potential. It’s when we’re no longer driven only by survival, approval, or fear, but by creativity, meaning, higher purpose, and the legacy we leave behind.
Self-actualization doesn’t mean perfection. It means alignment: our inner truth matching our outer life. It’s the joy of expressing who we are — in our families, our work, our relationships, our spiritual journey, and the impact we leave on others.
A Closing Reflection
Individuation is the art of growing up — not just once, but over and over throughout our lives. It’s how we move from survival to self-expression, from pleasing or avoiding others to living authentically.
And imagine, for a moment, what it would mean if this weren’t just an individual journey.
What if, as families, workplaces, and entire communities, we evolved together — moving from collective immaturity toward collective individuation and self-actualization?
Reflect for yourself:
Where in my life am I still seeking approval rather than living from my truth?
Which old family patterns am I repeating — and how can I break them?
What would my life look like if I trusted my own inner authority more fully?
How am I affecting others?
The truth is, this process takes work. For some, full maturity may never come. But for those willing and able to grow, the rewards are extraordinary: wholeness, authenticity, and genuine connection — the very things our fragmented world needs most.
Walking the journey home,
Karen Storsteen
About the Author
Karen Storsteen, M.S., M.A., is a psychotherapist, executive coach, and intuitive with over 35 years of experience helping individuals and organizations unlock their highest potential. She has created universities for Fortune 500 companies, been featured on ABC, CBS, and NBC, and FM morning radio, and is published widely. Karen is recognized for blending science, psychology, and intuition to foster growth, healing, and transformation.
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