Discover Magazines | Telltale Signs That Your Mate Isn't The One Willing To Change

(pp. 50-51)

READ IN DISCOVER MAGAZINE

Are you in a relationship and desperately want things to improve, but consistently disappointed and upset because they don’t? Relationships have ups and downs, but if you nd yourself in a state of constant despair, you may want to closely evaluate whether you can move forward as a couple or whether it’s time to lovingly let go.

There are a number of ways to evaluate your relationship and then to proactively address problem areas to pave the way for growth. Let's have a look at how you can approach these important steps.

We stay in unhealthy relationships for a myriad of reasons. Children certainly are an important reason to try to make the relationship work (as long as they are not your partner!). Sometimes we have businesses together, share financial obligations, or nd ourselves feeling powerless, hopeless and or afraid of being alone forever. Your current situation and feelings are not to be taken lightly.

However, we are not on Planet Earth to imprison ourselves, or our mate, and be unhappy. We desire a soulmate, not a cellmate. In order to improve our relationships, we must have:

1. The motivation to change and

2. The capability to change.

Often people have the capability to change, but not the motivation.

Individuals often stay in the relationship because they believe they can change their partner, or even “save” them. Why try to save a partner who does not want, or feel the need to be saved?

“All I need to do is provide my partner with all of the love and safety they need to  reach  their  full  potential.” Often, the rest of the sentence that goes unstated is the assumption that if they provide this to their partner, then they will get the same in return.

Another common tendency is for people to feel guilty about potentially “abandoning” their partner and to feel responsible for their partner's well-being. This can lead to enabling the status quo and unhealthy behavior patterns. If a partner does not choose to do their personal development work, they have already abandoned themselves.

Frequently, the assumption is, “If s/he loved me enough, s/he would change.” It is important to note that your partner's behaviors may have nothing to do with you. They are most likely long-term patterns of behavior that have presented themselves across relationships.

In loving relationships, we all know we have blind spots. This can come from idealizing our partner, romanticizing what the relationship could be, and our unconscious projections resulting primarily from childhood. What potentially are you afraid of seeing about the relationship? What does your intuition tell you?

Notice what you are receiving from your partner in the present moment. Notice how they are “being” with you. How would you describe your communication? What is your sex life like? Consider the dynamic. What goes on in the bedroom is often a microcosm of the entire relationship.

The great majority of people naturally grow and change! We must also be aware that our partner is starting from a place that is different from ours and that they may not want to grow and change with us, for us, or for the relationship. All people progress at their own pace and for their own reasons.

Of course, we still need to look at ourselves and what we are doing that benefits and hinders the relationship. We need to look at our own motivation and capability

to change and uncover the unconscious thoughts, wounds and motivations that can inadvertently kill any relationship!

How would your partner answer the above descriptors about you?

As a reminder, we can only love others to the extent that we love ourselves. When you value the relationship more than yourself, it may be time to self-empower. Knowing that you are the only person you can change, what opportunities and outcomes might arise with a positive inward focus and letting go of that which you can’t control? By taking better care of, and honoring ourselves, we give our relationships the best conditions for success. We lovingly and naturally invite others to step-up or step-out and either way, we are assured peace and joy to the extent that we give it to ourselves.