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Ah, the holidays.
A time for family, friends, and joy—or at least that’s the Hallmark version. For anyone with a narcissist in their life—a sibling, parent, ex, or even that controlling family friend who corners you at the eggnog station—the holidays can feel less like Silent Night and more like a passive-aggressive Game of Thrones.
Over the last 20 years, I’ve focused on helping people heal from narcissistic relationships. I’ve also experienced narcissism firsthand, which taught me the hard way that ignoring my intuition only led to Lifetime-drama-level heartbreak (minus the commercial breaks). The good news? Those movies always end with empowerment, and so can your story if you’re experiencing this.
Narcissists aren’t just challenging—they can be deeply damaging. Their disordered behaviors can leave you questioning reality, eroding self-worth, and mentally and physically unwell. Sometimes, the only healthy way forward is to go No Contact.
If cutting ties isn’t an option, with the right strategies, you can better navigate their antics and keep your holiday cheer intact. Let’s start with why narcissists unravel during the holidays.
Why Narcissists Unravel During the Holidays
Narcissists thrive on control, attention, and drama—and the holidays are their perfect storm. Group joy and shared traditions can shift the spotlight away from them, leaving them feeling irrelevant. Cue the drama, criticism, and self-victimization.
Holidays also bring emotional openness and gratitude—things narcissists avoid like last year’s fruitcake. Vulnerability? Hard pass. Instead, they mock heartfelt moments, deploying sarcasm and putdowns to stay in control.
Spotting the Narcissist’s Holiday Plays
The Turkey Takeover
Scenario: You’re lovingly seasoning the turkey when the narcissist swoops in, dumps a jar of sage on it, and says, “I’m saving you from your bland cooking.”
Why They Do It: This is dominance disguised as helpfulness. They get to assert control while undermining you.
The Self-Appointed Conversation Police
Scenario: You casually remind someone of a gift they gave years ago, and the narcissist interrupts: “Don’t cut him off!” You think, “Isn’t she cutting me off to say that?” The irony escapes her.
Why They Do It: Narcissists love to hold court. Interrupting lets them regain dominance and minimize you.
The Kitchen Dictator
Scenario: The narcissist is hosting. When you offer to help, they bark, “Get out of my kitchen!” As you back away, they add loudly, “It’s not about YOU right now!” You grab the champagne, thinking, Did they really just say that?
Why They Do It: Narcissists externalize their inner chaos. Their agitation gets projected onto you, and with their sense of entitlement, you’re expected to absorb it.
Triangulation: Turning the Family Table into a Soap Opera
Scenario: Your ex boasts about his girlfriend’s cooking, comparing it to the turkey you burned decades ago. Or your mom says, “Your sister always had the best grades,” right after you mention that you may finally try to go back to school.
Why They Do It: Narcissists love pitting people against each other to spark jealousy and keep everyone off balance so they are in control.
The Sulking Star
Scenario: When they’re not the center of attention, the narcissist goes into another room and dramatically sulks. Eventually, they reemerge with a martyr’s sigh, “No one listens to me.” You think, We noticed you left… and we kinda didn’t miss your exhausting antics of me me me me...
Why They Do It: Vulnerable narcissists lure attention by playing the victim. They thrive on pity.
Gaslighting: Turning Your Reality into Their Holiday Special
Scenario: Your dad asks why you’re not wearing the designer boots he got you last year. You remind him that he returned them for the right size but never replaced them. He smirks, “I gave you the right size, and you said you loved them!” Except… you see your sister is wearing them now.
Why They Do It: Gaslighting lets them rewrite history, keeping you off balance while they stay in control.
The Passive-Aggressive Gift with a Superiority Stir
Scenario: Your ex gives you books titled, "How to Travel Like a Billionaire" and "Luxury Travel for Dummies (Ex Edition)."," followed by, “You’re not getting any younger—you need to see the world.” You can’t afford to travel given that you have been supporting your children while he was traveling around the world celebrating his bankruptcy.
Why They Do It: It’s about flaunting superiority while masking insults as “thoughtful” gifts. Bonus points if the gift triggers guilt or insecurity.
The Joke That Bites
Scenario: At dinner, your sibling raises a glass: “Here’s to you finally taking a load off this year—though not at the gym!” Later, they sidle up, “Just kidding! Have you tried Pilates?”
Why They Do It: Humor is their weapon to plant insecurities while dodging accountability. It’s all about staying in control.
Healthy Strategies for Handling the Narcissist
1. Prepare Mindfully
Know Their Patterns: Predictability reduces the sting.
Accept Them as They Are: Let go of the hope they’ll change.
Set an Intention: Focus on your purpose—family, joy, or pie.
Ground Yourself: Use a mantra like, “This is their circus, not my monkey.”
2. See It as a Game
Don’t Personalize: Their comments reflect them, not you.
Don’t Engage: Silence is your secret weapon.
Don’t Explain or Defend: You’re not on trial.
3. Create an Escape Plan
Sit Near an Ally: Someone who’s fluent in the art of eye-rolls.
Have an Excuse Ready: “I need to check on my plants.”
Take Breaks: A quick step outside or another slice of pie works wonders.
Skip the Gathering: Protect your peace if it’s too much.
Final Thoughts: Choose Peace Over Drama
The holidays may bring challenges, but they also offer opportunities for joy and connection. By staying mindful, setting boundaries, and using humor, you can protect your peace and enjoy the season on your terms.
Remember: you don’t have to RSVP to every argument they host. The narcissist may set the stage, but you hold the script—and you always know when it’s time for pie. 🎄✨
Karen Storsteen, M.S., M.A., is known for her unique blend of talents as a psychotherapist, intuitive, executive coach, and educator. She has served as Editor-at-large for Discover Magazines, contributed to Inc. and TED, and has been featured on ABC, NBC, CBS, and FM morning radio.
© Karen Storsteen, 2024. All Rights Reserved.
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